Better Late than Never

New Year's Resolutions:
1. Be more open to love and dating
2. Be easier on myself about being unemployed and generally confused
3. Exercise more, yoga more, move more
4. Keep learning to cook
5. Remember that I am enough

this girl's

http://or-so-i-feel.blogspot.com/ imperfections are mad inspiring. I wish I knew her, but I'm also kind of glad I don't. It's nice that someone can inspire you who you've never met and know so few things about.

Today I started my internship, and later broke down. Being unemployed sucks in some ways mucho. In other ways it is positive. I>E. I can have all the physical therapist and other appointments I want. I have time to read and paint, take pictures and exercise. I had the time to study for the GREs and did well. That I am thankful for. I am also thankful that on the weekends I am not constantly dreading Monday. I am thankful that I don't have a Blackberry that gives me heart palpitations or bosses that I hate or work that is soul crushing. I love sleeping in and not wearing work clothes every day, and having time to get my apartment how I like it.

I don't like being alone most of the day. I miss A and K at work, and having people to eat lunch with and have invisible hula hoop contests. I miss having a sense of purpose, even one I didn't choose and didn't enjoy. I hate meeting new people and having to tell them I'm unemployed, and I hate the uncertainty of my life right now.

On the bright side my first paragraph is bigger than this one. And uncertainty's not the worst thing in the world. Right?

did i make the wrong decision?

After 5 months in DC I finally have an apartment with furniture, a gym membership, close relationship to my DC family, friend group, routine, kids to tutor, internship.. I've gotten rid of my deadbeat job, gone on dates, taken the GREs, come out of my shell a bit. Good things have happened. But I'm starting to wonder exactly why the hell I cam ehere. I've spent so long spouting the same elevator speech regarding getting into work in the nonprofit/hill or politics arenas tht I've started to believe my own hype. But the thing is I am not that interested in politics or policy or nonprofits. I am generally filled with respect for people into tht sort of thing, but no matter how much I pretend to care that is just not me. My dream job isn't to be Press Secretary. Sure, it could be cool to have a bit of power on the Hill, but unelss you're at the White House or something I doubt it's my idea of cool. I think my internship will be good so that a. I can have a solid office environment and meet some people, and b. workwise, so that I can gain some more experience pitching, blog, and do some new media stuff. My internship fits the bill of the kkind of job the kind of prson i WANT to be has, but not ther person that I am at this point in my life, or most likely ever. entiende?

My reasoning is admittedly a bit convoluted, but I think I hav I have created DC ALEX" type person who's into healthcare and immigration reform, when what I really care about iare beauty products, traveling, watching television and writing. I love my book club. I'd rather read Vogue than the Post, and I'd even rather read Teen Vogue than Vogue. I am not terribly mature, and I don't think I"ll ever be the type of person who has a serious interest in economic issues. I'm worried my dream job is in development at MTV, or as the beauty editor of Marie Claire, or doing publicity for Revlon. Do any of those seem like jobs I can get in DC, or even with a Masters at Georgetown? I mean maybe post- school, but ultimately NYC and LA are where it's at.

Why did I leave NYC? This is what really scares me. I'm afraid I left DC because I was lonely and hated my job. I'm not trying to invalidte my feelings- my life kind of sucked in NYC. My hood wasn't super accessible, I didn't get along with my roommates, I despitsed my job and met no one knew there, and had 3 good friends, and 3 of them worked most of the time. However I was slowly but surely making new friends. I'm worried that if I had just moved into a new apartment and founda new job (easier said than done, but for the sake of argument) I could hav gotten into New York. Did I give up too soon?

DC has felt like such a refuge the past few months. Spending time with family, getting to go home and go on vacation,But I'm worried I took the easy way out. Even after only 5 months my life just feels smaller in DC, and I'm worried there's only so far I can go here. How much can I change living with a college sorority sister? Who can I become if I run into peopleI know no matter what neighborhood I'min? Did I wimp out on New york too soon? I don't want to be wishing in ten years that I had given New York a better chance, and I sure as hell don't want to e here 20 years fro now, realizing that I never left NDC and didn't go for the kinds of jobs I really wanted out of laziness and wimpiness and complacency here. and reconnecting with my old college and high school friends has been great and quite relaxing.

did i make the wrong decision?

So I messed up

A guy I met and actually liked, which is hardly something that happens often, asked me out to dinner. I already had plans, and frankly was a little ticked off at the short notice (barely 24 hours) so I asked my roommate what to do. She told me that I certainly didn't want a weekend date, so to suggest Sunday or next week. Which is fine, I guess, except then he didn't reply. Which I frankly don't blame him for, because it's almost embarrassing the more I overthink it. Like I REALLY didn't have time in the next four days to squeeze him in? Not that many days, but hardly seems like I want to see him.

The thing is, I kind of do. I don't have high hopes for creating any sort of a relationship with him, but I'd quite like to go on a date with him. Why did I listen to my roommate instead of myself? Because I'm embarrassed to like him, and scared to spend time with him. I'm scared of liking him too much and seeming too desperate and scaring him off, and I'm scared of actually having to entertain him solo. He seems to have lived so much more than me and he's so well read that I'm afraid I'll seem stupid, naive, spoiled.

Why do we play these dating games? Instead of seeming desperate I seem disinterested, because I'm too fucking cool to act pleased that he asked me out. Why didn't I just suggest the next day? I can blame a million things on my response: job interviews, tutoring, grandfather, and every other stress and happiness and craziness under the sun. But all I have to blame is myself, for being chicken shit, and if he never calls (texts) again I hope I don't make this mistake again.

life is a show

~cassie steele, degrassi goes hollywood. atl tonight, dc tomm. do i spend too much time waiting for the next thing? thinking things will be better in the next city, at the next job, tomorrow? i wonder

New digs

So I love my new apartment and bangin neighborhood, but after my guy friend who tried to move me in borderline raped me in my sleep I discovered mold in the a/c. DISASTER. I am super allergic to mold, I think it's a Jewish thing. So now I'm staying at my cousin's house in the Maryland suburbs. Really quite lame, I feel about 12 years old, but extra bored and all alone. I do hope this situation is solved quickly, bc this is making me fat AND emo