this girl's

http://or-so-i-feel.blogspot.com/ imperfections are mad inspiring. I wish I knew her, but I'm also kind of glad I don't. It's nice that someone can inspire you who you've never met and know so few things about.

Today I started my internship, and later broke down. Being unemployed sucks in some ways mucho. In other ways it is positive. I>E. I can have all the physical therapist and other appointments I want. I have time to read and paint, take pictures and exercise. I had the time to study for the GREs and did well. That I am thankful for. I am also thankful that on the weekends I am not constantly dreading Monday. I am thankful that I don't have a Blackberry that gives me heart palpitations or bosses that I hate or work that is soul crushing. I love sleeping in and not wearing work clothes every day, and having time to get my apartment how I like it.

I don't like being alone most of the day. I miss A and K at work, and having people to eat lunch with and have invisible hula hoop contests. I miss having a sense of purpose, even one I didn't choose and didn't enjoy. I hate meeting new people and having to tell them I'm unemployed, and I hate the uncertainty of my life right now.

On the bright side my first paragraph is bigger than this one. And uncertainty's not the worst thing in the world. Right?

did i make the wrong decision?

After 5 months in DC I finally have an apartment with furniture, a gym membership, close relationship to my DC family, friend group, routine, kids to tutor, internship.. I've gotten rid of my deadbeat job, gone on dates, taken the GREs, come out of my shell a bit. Good things have happened. But I'm starting to wonder exactly why the hell I cam ehere. I've spent so long spouting the same elevator speech regarding getting into work in the nonprofit/hill or politics arenas tht I've started to believe my own hype. But the thing is I am not that interested in politics or policy or nonprofits. I am generally filled with respect for people into tht sort of thing, but no matter how much I pretend to care that is just not me. My dream job isn't to be Press Secretary. Sure, it could be cool to have a bit of power on the Hill, but unelss you're at the White House or something I doubt it's my idea of cool. I think my internship will be good so that a. I can have a solid office environment and meet some people, and b. workwise, so that I can gain some more experience pitching, blog, and do some new media stuff. My internship fits the bill of the kkind of job the kind of prson i WANT to be has, but not ther person that I am at this point in my life, or most likely ever. entiende?

My reasoning is admittedly a bit convoluted, but I think I hav I have created DC ALEX" type person who's into healthcare and immigration reform, when what I really care about iare beauty products, traveling, watching television and writing. I love my book club. I'd rather read Vogue than the Post, and I'd even rather read Teen Vogue than Vogue. I am not terribly mature, and I don't think I"ll ever be the type of person who has a serious interest in economic issues. I'm worried my dream job is in development at MTV, or as the beauty editor of Marie Claire, or doing publicity for Revlon. Do any of those seem like jobs I can get in DC, or even with a Masters at Georgetown? I mean maybe post- school, but ultimately NYC and LA are where it's at.

Why did I leave NYC? This is what really scares me. I'm afraid I left DC because I was lonely and hated my job. I'm not trying to invalidte my feelings- my life kind of sucked in NYC. My hood wasn't super accessible, I didn't get along with my roommates, I despitsed my job and met no one knew there, and had 3 good friends, and 3 of them worked most of the time. However I was slowly but surely making new friends. I'm worried that if I had just moved into a new apartment and founda new job (easier said than done, but for the sake of argument) I could hav gotten into New York. Did I give up too soon?

DC has felt like such a refuge the past few months. Spending time with family, getting to go home and go on vacation,But I'm worried I took the easy way out. Even after only 5 months my life just feels smaller in DC, and I'm worried there's only so far I can go here. How much can I change living with a college sorority sister? Who can I become if I run into peopleI know no matter what neighborhood I'min? Did I wimp out on New york too soon? I don't want to be wishing in ten years that I had given New York a better chance, and I sure as hell don't want to e here 20 years fro now, realizing that I never left NDC and didn't go for the kinds of jobs I really wanted out of laziness and wimpiness and complacency here. and reconnecting with my old college and high school friends has been great and quite relaxing.

did i make the wrong decision?

So I messed up

A guy I met and actually liked, which is hardly something that happens often, asked me out to dinner. I already had plans, and frankly was a little ticked off at the short notice (barely 24 hours) so I asked my roommate what to do. She told me that I certainly didn't want a weekend date, so to suggest Sunday or next week. Which is fine, I guess, except then he didn't reply. Which I frankly don't blame him for, because it's almost embarrassing the more I overthink it. Like I REALLY didn't have time in the next four days to squeeze him in? Not that many days, but hardly seems like I want to see him.

The thing is, I kind of do. I don't have high hopes for creating any sort of a relationship with him, but I'd quite like to go on a date with him. Why did I listen to my roommate instead of myself? Because I'm embarrassed to like him, and scared to spend time with him. I'm scared of liking him too much and seeming too desperate and scaring him off, and I'm scared of actually having to entertain him solo. He seems to have lived so much more than me and he's so well read that I'm afraid I'll seem stupid, naive, spoiled.

Why do we play these dating games? Instead of seeming desperate I seem disinterested, because I'm too fucking cool to act pleased that he asked me out. Why didn't I just suggest the next day? I can blame a million things on my response: job interviews, tutoring, grandfather, and every other stress and happiness and craziness under the sun. But all I have to blame is myself, for being chicken shit, and if he never calls (texts) again I hope I don't make this mistake again.

life is a show

~cassie steele, degrassi goes hollywood. atl tonight, dc tomm. do i spend too much time waiting for the next thing? thinking things will be better in the next city, at the next job, tomorrow? i wonder

New digs

So I love my new apartment and bangin neighborhood, but after my guy friend who tried to move me in borderline raped me in my sleep I discovered mold in the a/c. DISASTER. I am super allergic to mold, I think it's a Jewish thing. So now I'm staying at my cousin's house in the Maryland suburbs. Really quite lame, I feel about 12 years old, but extra bored and all alone. I do hope this situation is solved quickly, bc this is making me fat AND emo

Packing up my life

Moving is weird. I knew this place was temporary and I'm staying in the city, but every time I move tends to feel like the end of an era. Considering it's been all of two months here I feel kind of silly, but what kind of person would I be to invalidate my feelings. Oh yes, I went there w/ the psychobabble

I just don't feel like packing. All I want to do is eat Doritos, watch Hulu, and sleep. Hmm.

Whatever happened to my lunchbox?

"When came the day that it got/
Thrown away now don't you think/
I should have had some say, in that decision"
~John Mayer

Yes, I just quoted John Mayer, I went there, even though I think he's kind of dirty and gross, because sometimes I wonder about those types of things too. Probably the mark of a semi-quality song writer, encapsulating the kind of feeling that I haven't even realized I had been feeling.

What is up with life changing constantly? The little, tiny, minuscule things are sometimes the true indicators that everything is upside down. Like looking around and suddenly realizing that something that meant so much to you a short time ago isn't even a part of your life. A pet, a lunch box, a person.

And why is change always supposed to be good? If you think of the best day or time of your life, chances are it's not today, not right now. Things change every day, but they're not constantly improving. If I think of exactly where I am now, as opposed to a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, things are just different. I can barely remember how I felt a month ago. It might have been an awesome day or a shit one. I was in DC, in this apartment. I had a job then, but I haven't even figured out if losing/ quitting my job was a good thing. A week from now how will I feel? I'll be in a new apartment, living with a good friend. I may have more job prospects, I may not. I won't have the stress of moving in front of me, although I'm sure I'll have more stress. I'll be about to embark on a vacation. That should be a good thing, right? I have things to look forward to, I'm just not even sure whether I want them. I'm going to an information session at Columbia's J-school next week. For the life of me, though, I don't know why I'm applying there ( or if I am). What do I want from it, besides a one-year respite from the work force and an Ivy league diploma. Huh.

I know your twenties are all about these changes, this angst, self-discovery, yada yada. Relationships, jobs, moving, love, life. But when I speak to my parents it's not like they have it all figured out. A lot of it, yeah, but things aren't perfect. My grandparents too. I guess I just don't get the point of it all. I'm hardly the first or last person to question the meaning of life, and I"m not even sure where I'm going with this, but I am wondering...

On the bright side, I am positive I am enjoying DC right now more than I enjoyed New York six months ago. I hope that's something.

Unemployment begins

A rather terrible kind of obsolescence creeps over you when you're unemployed. Is that the proper GRE word? I imagine you can discern the meaning, or what I am aiming to mean. The last time I was unemployed, a short 7 months ago, I believe I was starting to think this feeling was depression. A clinical name, a logical explanation for how I felt, my laziness, loneliness. But no, it's more a mixture of stress, procrastination, and boredom. How dull. How trite. How tiresome. Within a week of unemployment I am back here. Dirty room, unmade bed, chipped nail polish. How did I get here?

At work rebel

So I'm feeling like quite the rebel, blogging away at work. Then again, it's 5:41 PM, so my day is technically over, I'm just waiting for my boss to leave. Don't think he's an overachiever or anything though, he didn't come in until 11.

I don't think I have anything particularly interesting to say, however I am hardcore into this blog:http://20-nothings.blogspot.com
so thought I would pass it along.

It pretty much encapsulates the 20 something experience. Especially in terms of dating. None in my future- not from the Jewish boyfriend that I'm not actually attracted to, or the kid who asked for fashion advice and then got especially sensitive when I offered some. Not even from the guy on Jdate who is unnaturally tall for a Jew! In his defense I said my week was super busy, but that I'd be up for it next week. So it's possible, although my week is filling up fast. I'm a busy girl.

Atlantic City this weekend with a bunch of the sorority sisters, should be interesting. I'm so not in the mood for a crazy, boozing, Vegas-type weekend, all I really want to do is binge eat oreos while watching some good chick flicks, but maybe this is just what I need? Stay tuned...

You know the night life is just not for me

...And all you really need are a few good friends/ I've been waiting all this time for/ To be something I can't define."~The Format

It's funny.  I wrote those lyrics before going to work, and after a long, stressful day, I wish some lyrics would come to mind.  In some ways I'm back where I started.  In other ways, I feel a bit stronger than this morning.  While there was no direct yelling at me, I felt the blame and guilt for a big mistake which was partially mine.  And that sucks.  It didn't really make me work harder in all honesty, but it didn't upset me for as long as something like that would have two months ago.  And that's a good thing. The really funny thing is, that what saved me there were "a few good friends" and an invisible hula hoop contest set to 'Pokerface.'  Even though I didn't win. 

Things that made my day:

1) Hula hoop contest

2) No pudge brownies

3) Re-discovered DvF dress

4) Hearing that the cute boy I met at a party had thought I was cute too..

5) Talking to my Dad and having him make fun of my bitchy boss who says how things "focking suck" in a British accent

6)Getting the kickass Adams-Morgan apartment!!

So in re-cap, maybe not so bad? Esp for a Monday..

Reasons Why

So tonight I went to a friend's house to gather with a couple of people who are so cool they can appreciate this show.  So yes, the 15 year old got pregnant (her first time having sex), the mom got pregnant (father tbd), and the Christian girl's father died (the first time she had sex).  I think it would be a wise tv show for some sort of abstinence class/ convent.  However it is delicious.

I am also applying to work at an organization much like this.  It's funny, because literally a year ago I thought/ hoped I would get a job sorting lip glosses or clothes.  Have I evolved, or am I just severely, severely confused? TBD...
I am also feeling v. nostalgic for this place.  Life was simple then-

Brought to you by the most beautiful place on Earth.

Things I'm digging

Anything Thomas Jefferson related.  Which is why I dig UVA, Monticello, the Dec of Independence, and this fabulous NYT blog post.

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/25/time-wastes-too-fast/?em

This is supposed to be TJ's daughter. Just look at the great blog.  

I am also starting to think lomography could be freaking awesome.  I've been looking at cool cameras like this: 

It's called the Holga.  Apparently it's trendy in a hipster way, which makes sense since Urban Outfitters sells them. Fuck that, the pictures it takes look awesome.

And last but not least, summer, and summer music.  Who does it better than Bob Marley?  My new life philosophy is just enjoying summer, being in DC and my friends here. You'd think that wouldn't be something so revolutionary, but apparently it is a bit anathema to my personality to not focus on everything that I am worried about in my future and generally trying to fill in all the holes I perceive in my life.  Whatever, I'm working on that.  And on that note I'm going to take a delicious nap so I can go meet up with some people tonight. peace

Reason #5 I need to go back to NYC

Topshop

My boss is a butthead...

So yesterday I had a very 'meet-cute' moment. (=cinematic moment when boy meets girl). I was waiting on the Red Line to meet a friend for happy hour, and it was taking FOREVER after that whole disaster this week. I hardly feel comfortable complaining about waiting when people died this week, but nevertheless. I was standing there, and I had conveniently stood myself next to a cute guy reading, so that he might start talking to me. Then, an attractive male came in between us and started reading. I was covertly looking at the two cute guys next to me, while trying to hide my book, because it happened to be "Why Men Love Bitches." I usually don't read books with the tagline "From Doormat to Dreamgirl," especially in public, but it was that kind of day.

Anyways, the guy next to me started up a conversation, and he was very good lucking, interesting, well educated, witty .... but then he mentioned that he had been in DC for 15 years. So he was at least in his late 30s. aak, that is a bit old for me. When the train car finally came, we got on together and kept talking until he got off at his stop. It was so nice to me someone fun while sober, but at the same time I just wished he'd been, oh, about a decade younger, and the future love of my life. Wouldn't that be convenient? AND an incredibly adorable story. Life.

I had a good time at happy hour(s) though, which somehow went for about 4 bars and 5 hours, which means that I may just stay home tonight. I worked at home all day, which I thought would be a breeze, but my boss wouldn't leave me and my bff coworker alone and it was a real pain in the ass. Plus now I have that gross lazy feeling as if I just laid in bed watching tv and eating all day. Which was really only a 1/4 of the day, and only while the Degrassi marathon was on. A full day would have been much more satisfying.

This blog thing is funny, because I've thought about writing a few times this week, but each time I've self-censored myself, and thought I a. don't want to be too emo b. don't want to write about boys or friends that might end up reading this c. don't want to sound like a wiener. And that's just ridiculous. I already am a wiener, and sometimes everyone has to be emo, and if a blog isn't the absolute best place to be emo than I don't know where is (except maybe if I had a xanga or myspace, but I think I'm a little old, and I actually don't know if xanga even exists, and I'm not sure if they'd let me in the club as a pink wearing non-cutter). Regardless. So now I am listening to Kings of Leon reading this excellent 'Why Men Love Bitches' book, and I am actually quite content, especially since I don't think I've stayed home on a Friday in months. I can't remember the last time, except when I was sick one weekend in DC. But healthy and home on a Friday? Quien sabe. Although I am feeling a bit feverish... Oh well. The hail has stopped, and the beat must go own. RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and that's pretty much it. I may have a small MJ dance party in honor of all that he has brought to the world. Another post for another day. xoxo

My Epiphany

So I had one of those Hollywood epiphanies this morning. I had been awoken at 6:15 by my heavy-footed (yet fairly petite) upstairs neighbors, and once I had blearily looked at my phone and muttered obscenities into my pillow I had a couple of job-related anxiety attacks in a row. With a stunning sense of righteousness I decided to take a 'jog.' Or, what can more correctly be known as a rambling walk around the neighborhood, with two short bursts of jogging that matched my music.

Anyways, as I wandered around Georgetown, I took a path I had not previously taken (Q instead of R) and ended up in this park. After momentarily getting on a swing and then feeling like the biggest tool in the entire world, I decided to be adventurous and take this not really paved path down into the wilderness. I discovered a waterfall, and I sat there looking at it. As I sat, I had quite the Emersonian moment, while I confronted nature not 1/2 a mile from the best shopping Georgetown has to offer.

So I was sitting there, and it was so pretty, and terribly quiet, and I was all alone besides the candy wrapper sitting next to me, and it was the kind of moment I could never find in New York, because even in the deepest wilds of Central Park there is some bloody intrepid jogger doing lunges. But that's besides the point. So I'm sitting there, with the mini waterfall making very peaceful gooshing sounds, and I realized that I should not freak out about work so fing much. Because it is just a paycheck, and criticism from people I do not respect should not respect about mistakes I did not know I was making should not wound me to the core, and life is worth LIVING. This may have sounded a hell of a lot more intense and meaningful in my head, but it was quite something for me.

The thing is that I have discovered that I spend so much of my life waiting for something else, and thinking that my life will be better if I just have a new job, live in a new place, have that new boyfriend... that I am missing IT. There may have been a Julia Roberts/ Dakota Fanning-style movie saying this, or in fact several, but I actually think I am making sense, for possibly the first time in a while.

I lived in New York for maybe 9 months, and I only truly enjoyed myself a handful or two of times. I was so worried in the beginning about finding a job that I got all stressed and depressed, and then I hated my job so much and I had to deal with crazy roommate that I just wanted to get out of there. And I've always LOVED New York. But I kept letting the bad things in my life overshadow the good, when really I have a helluva lot of good. So although I must go face work, I think I'm going to give a small shout out to: nature, Emerson, Self magazine, and maybe even the British work dragon who gave me a panic attack for causing me to go on a highly unscheduled morning nature walk, because my writer's block has finally been cracked. Hallelujah.