did i make the wrong decision?

After 5 months in DC I finally have an apartment with furniture, a gym membership, close relationship to my DC family, friend group, routine, kids to tutor, internship.. I've gotten rid of my deadbeat job, gone on dates, taken the GREs, come out of my shell a bit. Good things have happened. But I'm starting to wonder exactly why the hell I cam ehere. I've spent so long spouting the same elevator speech regarding getting into work in the nonprofit/hill or politics arenas tht I've started to believe my own hype. But the thing is I am not that interested in politics or policy or nonprofits. I am generally filled with respect for people into tht sort of thing, but no matter how much I pretend to care that is just not me. My dream job isn't to be Press Secretary. Sure, it could be cool to have a bit of power on the Hill, but unelss you're at the White House or something I doubt it's my idea of cool. I think my internship will be good so that a. I can have a solid office environment and meet some people, and b. workwise, so that I can gain some more experience pitching, blog, and do some new media stuff. My internship fits the bill of the kkind of job the kind of prson i WANT to be has, but not ther person that I am at this point in my life, or most likely ever. entiende?

My reasoning is admittedly a bit convoluted, but I think I hav I have created DC ALEX" type person who's into healthcare and immigration reform, when what I really care about iare beauty products, traveling, watching television and writing. I love my book club. I'd rather read Vogue than the Post, and I'd even rather read Teen Vogue than Vogue. I am not terribly mature, and I don't think I"ll ever be the type of person who has a serious interest in economic issues. I'm worried my dream job is in development at MTV, or as the beauty editor of Marie Claire, or doing publicity for Revlon. Do any of those seem like jobs I can get in DC, or even with a Masters at Georgetown? I mean maybe post- school, but ultimately NYC and LA are where it's at.

Why did I leave NYC? This is what really scares me. I'm afraid I left DC because I was lonely and hated my job. I'm not trying to invalidte my feelings- my life kind of sucked in NYC. My hood wasn't super accessible, I didn't get along with my roommates, I despitsed my job and met no one knew there, and had 3 good friends, and 3 of them worked most of the time. However I was slowly but surely making new friends. I'm worried that if I had just moved into a new apartment and founda new job (easier said than done, but for the sake of argument) I could hav gotten into New York. Did I give up too soon?

DC has felt like such a refuge the past few months. Spending time with family, getting to go home and go on vacation,But I'm worried I took the easy way out. Even after only 5 months my life just feels smaller in DC, and I'm worried there's only so far I can go here. How much can I change living with a college sorority sister? Who can I become if I run into peopleI know no matter what neighborhood I'min? Did I wimp out on New york too soon? I don't want to be wishing in ten years that I had given New York a better chance, and I sure as hell don't want to e here 20 years fro now, realizing that I never left NDC and didn't go for the kinds of jobs I really wanted out of laziness and wimpiness and complacency here. and reconnecting with my old college and high school friends has been great and quite relaxing.

did i make the wrong decision?

So I messed up

A guy I met and actually liked, which is hardly something that happens often, asked me out to dinner. I already had plans, and frankly was a little ticked off at the short notice (barely 24 hours) so I asked my roommate what to do. She told me that I certainly didn't want a weekend date, so to suggest Sunday or next week. Which is fine, I guess, except then he didn't reply. Which I frankly don't blame him for, because it's almost embarrassing the more I overthink it. Like I REALLY didn't have time in the next four days to squeeze him in? Not that many days, but hardly seems like I want to see him.

The thing is, I kind of do. I don't have high hopes for creating any sort of a relationship with him, but I'd quite like to go on a date with him. Why did I listen to my roommate instead of myself? Because I'm embarrassed to like him, and scared to spend time with him. I'm scared of liking him too much and seeming too desperate and scaring him off, and I'm scared of actually having to entertain him solo. He seems to have lived so much more than me and he's so well read that I'm afraid I'll seem stupid, naive, spoiled.

Why do we play these dating games? Instead of seeming desperate I seem disinterested, because I'm too fucking cool to act pleased that he asked me out. Why didn't I just suggest the next day? I can blame a million things on my response: job interviews, tutoring, grandfather, and every other stress and happiness and craziness under the sun. But all I have to blame is myself, for being chicken shit, and if he never calls (texts) again I hope I don't make this mistake again.

life is a show

~cassie steele, degrassi goes hollywood. atl tonight, dc tomm. do i spend too much time waiting for the next thing? thinking things will be better in the next city, at the next job, tomorrow? i wonder

New digs

So I love my new apartment and bangin neighborhood, but after my guy friend who tried to move me in borderline raped me in my sleep I discovered mold in the a/c. DISASTER. I am super allergic to mold, I think it's a Jewish thing. So now I'm staying at my cousin's house in the Maryland suburbs. Really quite lame, I feel about 12 years old, but extra bored and all alone. I do hope this situation is solved quickly, bc this is making me fat AND emo

Packing up my life

Moving is weird. I knew this place was temporary and I'm staying in the city, but every time I move tends to feel like the end of an era. Considering it's been all of two months here I feel kind of silly, but what kind of person would I be to invalidate my feelings. Oh yes, I went there w/ the psychobabble

I just don't feel like packing. All I want to do is eat Doritos, watch Hulu, and sleep. Hmm.

Whatever happened to my lunchbox?

"When came the day that it got/
Thrown away now don't you think/
I should have had some say, in that decision"
~John Mayer

Yes, I just quoted John Mayer, I went there, even though I think he's kind of dirty and gross, because sometimes I wonder about those types of things too. Probably the mark of a semi-quality song writer, encapsulating the kind of feeling that I haven't even realized I had been feeling.

What is up with life changing constantly? The little, tiny, minuscule things are sometimes the true indicators that everything is upside down. Like looking around and suddenly realizing that something that meant so much to you a short time ago isn't even a part of your life. A pet, a lunch box, a person.

And why is change always supposed to be good? If you think of the best day or time of your life, chances are it's not today, not right now. Things change every day, but they're not constantly improving. If I think of exactly where I am now, as opposed to a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, things are just different. I can barely remember how I felt a month ago. It might have been an awesome day or a shit one. I was in DC, in this apartment. I had a job then, but I haven't even figured out if losing/ quitting my job was a good thing. A week from now how will I feel? I'll be in a new apartment, living with a good friend. I may have more job prospects, I may not. I won't have the stress of moving in front of me, although I'm sure I'll have more stress. I'll be about to embark on a vacation. That should be a good thing, right? I have things to look forward to, I'm just not even sure whether I want them. I'm going to an information session at Columbia's J-school next week. For the life of me, though, I don't know why I'm applying there ( or if I am). What do I want from it, besides a one-year respite from the work force and an Ivy league diploma. Huh.

I know your twenties are all about these changes, this angst, self-discovery, yada yada. Relationships, jobs, moving, love, life. But when I speak to my parents it's not like they have it all figured out. A lot of it, yeah, but things aren't perfect. My grandparents too. I guess I just don't get the point of it all. I'm hardly the first or last person to question the meaning of life, and I"m not even sure where I'm going with this, but I am wondering...

On the bright side, I am positive I am enjoying DC right now more than I enjoyed New York six months ago. I hope that's something.