"When came the day that it got/
Thrown away now don't you think/
I should have had some say, in that decision"
Yes, I just quoted John Mayer, I went there, even though I think he's kind of dirty and gross, because sometimes I wonder about those types of things too. Probably the mark of a semi-quality song writer, encapsulating the kind of feeling that I haven't even realized I had been feeling.
What is up with life changing constantly? The little, tiny, minuscule things are sometimes the true indicators that everything is upside down. Like looking around and suddenly realizing that something that meant so much to you a short time ago isn't even a part of your life. A pet, a lunch box, a person.
And why is change always supposed to be good? If you think of the best day or time of your life, chances are it's not today, not right now. Things change every day, but they're not constantly improving. If I think of exactly where I am now, as opposed to a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, things are just different. I can barely remember how I felt a month ago. It might have been an awesome day or a shit one. I was in DC, in this apartment. I had a job then, but I haven't even figured out if losing/ quitting my job was a good thing. A week from now how will I feel? I'll be in a new apartment, living with a good friend. I may have more job prospects, I may not. I won't have the stress of moving in front of me, although I'm sure I'll have more stress. I'll be about to embark on a vacation. That should be a good thing, right? I have things to look forward to, I'm just not even sure whether I want them. I'm going to an information session at Columbia's J-school next week. For the life of me, though, I don't know why I'm applying there ( or if I am). What do I want from it, besides a one-year respite from the work force and an Ivy league diploma. Huh.
I know your twenties are all about these changes, this angst, self-discovery, yada yada. Relationships, jobs, moving, love, life. But when I speak to my parents it's not like they have it all figured out. A lot of it, yeah, but things aren't perfect. My grandparents too. I guess I just don't get the point of it all. I'm hardly the first or last person to question the meaning of life, and I"m not even sure where I'm going with this, but I am wondering...
On the bright side, I am positive I am enjoying DC right now more than I enjoyed New York six months ago. I hope that's something.
christmas in the suburbs
4 years ago