Monday, June 22, 2009

My Epiphany

So I had one of those Hollywood epiphanies this morning. I had been awoken at 6:15 by my heavy-footed (yet fairly petite) upstairs neighbors, and once I had blearily looked at my phone and muttered obscenities into my pillow I had a couple of job-related anxiety attacks in a row. With a stunning sense of righteousness I decided to take a 'jog.' Or, what can more correctly be known as a rambling walk around the neighborhood, with two short bursts of jogging that matched my music.

Anyways, as I wandered around Georgetown, I took a path I had not previously taken (Q instead of R) and ended up in this park. After momentarily getting on a swing and then feeling like the biggest tool in the entire world, I decided to be adventurous and take this not really paved path down into the wilderness. I discovered a waterfall, and I sat there looking at it. As I sat, I had quite the Emersonian moment, while I confronted nature not 1/2 a mile from the best shopping Georgetown has to offer.

So I was sitting there, and it was so pretty, and terribly quiet, and I was all alone besides the candy wrapper sitting next to me, and it was the kind of moment I could never find in New York, because even in the deepest wilds of Central Park there is some bloody intrepid jogger doing lunges. But that's besides the point. So I'm sitting there, with the mini waterfall making very peaceful gooshing sounds, and I realized that I should not freak out about work so fing much. Because it is just a paycheck, and criticism from people I do not respect should not respect about mistakes I did not know I was making should not wound me to the core, and life is worth LIVING. This may have sounded a hell of a lot more intense and meaningful in my head, but it was quite something for me.

The thing is that I have discovered that I spend so much of my life waiting for something else, and thinking that my life will be better if I just have a new job, live in a new place, have that new boyfriend... that I am missing IT. There may have been a Julia Roberts/ Dakota Fanning-style movie saying this, or in fact several, but I actually think I am making sense, for possibly the first time in a while.

I lived in New York for maybe 9 months, and I only truly enjoyed myself a handful or two of times. I was so worried in the beginning about finding a job that I got all stressed and depressed, and then I hated my job so much and I had to deal with crazy roommate that I just wanted to get out of there. And I've always LOVED New York. But I kept letting the bad things in my life overshadow the good, when really I have a helluva lot of good. So although I must go face work, I think I'm going to give a small shout out to: nature, Emerson, Self magazine, and maybe even the British work dragon who gave me a panic attack for causing me to go on a highly unscheduled morning nature walk, because my writer's block has finally been cracked. Hallelujah.

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